We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Brené Brown
Sex as a taboo
Sex has been one of my biggest taboos, and I always shy away from talking about it, even with my husband. The vulnerability journey was a hard one for me, and I do not even know where I got the courage. It was entirely out of my comfort zone, but I wanted to challenge myself and my beliefs. I tend to believe that women should not initiate sex even with their husbands because it seems inappropriate and unladylike.
There is often a bad connotation with women and sex. Whenever a woman shows her sexuality in my culture and religious belief system, the woman is usually regarded as promiscuous or a prostitute and can be outcast.
That is why I am always careful when it comes to sex, but I always wanted to be able to express my sexual desires without feeling shame and guilt.
Reflection on my progress
Wow, I am genuinely amazed at myself. I never thought that I would randomly start talking about sex, much less initiating it. I grew up in a society where the word sex was taboo. No one really talked about it even though they may be engaging in it. It was unheard of for even close friends, both married and unmarried, especially girls or women to talk about sex freely. The only time you heard about it was when your parents might warn against having it when admonishing to waiting till marriage.
I remembered when I first came to the United States. In class, the girls sitting next to me started discussing some footballer guy who was good in bed, and I thought, ‘what is happening? What would their parents say, or do to them if they heard what they are saying?” I was shocked, maybe my first instance of culture shock in America.
Not letting his reaction overshadow my journey
Honestly, I was ashamed the first night, and my husband was surprised and even asked me what was really going on. Even though his questions were respectful and his tone calm, I was like, “There you go; now he is going to think that I am a ‘wolf in a sheep’s clothing’ (playing innocent all this while).” I almost stopped my attempt, but I continued because it would make the situation even more awkward and uncomfortable for both of us, and I did not want to create that atmosphere in my marriage. The second day I managed to bring up the topic and started talking about it again. I was still uncomfortable, but I had to persevere no matter what.
Toward the end of the week, I became much better at it and started to feel a bit more comfortable. I know if I am to continue on this discovery, I will need more courage to unmask and enjoy my freedom to explore and conquer my utmost fear, which is sex. I still have a long way to go, and I want to continue, but to take it at a much slower rate.
Thank you for reading my most intimate post:). Please feel free to share your story too. Last post on this series coming soon!!!!!